Episode 253: Breaking Free of the Golden Handcuffs
Many people come to Human Design looking for clues as to what direction to take in their life because they’re not happy doing what they’re doing right now.
I’ve found that most people have an idea of what they want to be doing but aren’t pursuing it because they feel trapped by “golden handcuffs.”
In this episode, we discuss:
What are “golden handcuffs?”
Why do you feel trapped
How to free yourself from them without making a career and life change (if you’re not ready right now)
Listen to the Episode:
“When this topic comes up in client sessions, I apply the “functional” approach of asking what’s going on. Not just what the circumstances are but why. Why do you feel that you’re wearing golden handcuffs? What are the reasons behind it? It becomes an exercise in self-observation with non-judgement.”
Read the Transcript:
Hello there, my friend. Welcome back to The Live Fab Life Podcast. I'm your host, Naomi Nakamura.
Today I want to talk about one of the common themes that have come up in several Human Design readings I’ve had with clients.
One of my first questions is, “What prompted them to have this reading?”
The common themes are that they're curious about Human Design and looking for answers about what to do about their life - what direction to take, where they should be, but what they should be doing because they're not happy doing what they're doing now.
And I love this because there’s a lot of curiosity about Human Design, but the clients that I work with take the next step to not just know but explore and do something with it - because they're looking for a change, and they're not quite sure what that change should be. They’re looking for validation about the decisions they want to make. What comes up a lot is that they feel trapped, particularly when it comes to what they're doing.
I had one client describe it as they're “wearing the golden handcuffs.” If you haven’t heard this term before, you’re tied to your job for several reasons, which we'll explore today.
I’ve wanted to do an episode on this topic because it’s been on my mind for years. Having a full-time job with multiple side hustles, I've thought about wearing “golden handcuffs” but needed to fully process my thoughts before doing so. This is a good time, especially after the last episode, Episode 252, on Human Design at Work.
So, when this topic comes up in client sessions, I apply the “functional” approach because this is just how my mind thinks, of asking what's going on – what the circumstances are, but why. Why do you feel that you’re wearing golden handcuffs, also, what are the reasons behind it?
They’re tied to their current salary - and not just salary but the whole compensation plan - health care benefits, 401K and retirement investments, stocks, as well as other things their employer provides. But at the end of the day, all these things represent stability, especially if others are involved – partners, family members, etc.
So, the question then becomes, do you keep doing what you're doing even though, and this is a direct quote, “it feels like my soul is being sucked out of me.”
It might appear that the quick answer is, “No, don’t keep doing that!” but like everything in life, it’s not that simple.
And that's why I fully encourage doing exercises of self-observation with non-judgment. This is NOT overthinking; rather, it’s self-reflection, introspection with detachment, then using your Authority to make whatever decision is correct for you.
We start by trying to understand the root of feeling handcuffed. What’s really the problem?
You might say, “I hate my job; it's sucking the soul out of me.”
Do you not like what you do – what the actual nature of your job is? If you’re an engineer and you have engineering?
Is it that you like engineering but don’t like who you work with – colleagues? your manager? The people who have a direct influence on your day-to-day life.
Is it that you don’t feel recognized? If you're a Projector, and I know many of you who listen, recognition is important for us Projectors. So, do you feel that you're not being recognized at work?
Recognition goes hand-in-hand with rewards, so do you feel you’re not appropriately compensated?
What is it about what you do? I don't like saying “job” – I have feelings about that word, but call it what you want - “job,” “work,” “career what is it that’s not meeting your needs?
And if you want to go a step further – what are those needs that aren’t being met? Have you identified them?
And if you want to go even further – are those identified needs not being met elsewhere, but work is an easy place to lay the blame?
Okay, before I go further off-topic, let’s get back on track:
What's at the root of your unhappiness at work? Is it the job? Or is it something else?
In other words, would that make you happy if the circumstances changed with your current situation, not necessarily the job?
If you don't mind what you do – getting back to our example if you don’t mind engineering, maybe you even actually love it, but the circumstance around your situation isn’t ideal, or they’re unhealthy or unsafe; what can you do about it?
Perhaps the engineering project you're working on doesn’t pique your interest, or the people you collaborate with aren't delivering what they're supposed to do.
What's in your power to change to make that a better situation for you?
Maybe you want to do something different than what you’re doing now but aren’t quite ready to make the switch because those golden handcuffs feel a little extra snug.
If so, are there resources that your employer offers that can help you learn some skills to boost your confidence so that you feel more prepared for what you really want to be doing?
I've had my side hustles for 7+ years now, and while I’ve contemplated making it my full-time hustles, the truth is, I love my full-time job.
I love the people they work with – they’re good people. I love what I do. I'm a program manager. I work with cross-functional teams and bring them together as they work towards the goal of the program or project.
This could not be more in alignment with my Human Design as a Projector because I'm not actually doing the heavy lifting; rather, I’m guiding the process and where efficiencies can be made, and things can be improved upon to make the process better. That's essentially my job, so it's no wonder I love what I do.
Working with cross-functional teams that change with every program or project brings diversity, which I love – working with people from different functions and working with people across the globe.
Every day I talk to people located all over the world. I have a big curiosity about how people live their day-to-day lives, so I get to have a lot of interesting conversations with my colleagues about that every day.
I also work for a company with an important role in the tech industry and importance to the global economy. The area of the company I work at provides critical infrastructure to our daily lives – yours and mine, in keeping us safe. It's a place where things happen, and with having a Market Environment in my Human Design, I need to be where things are happening; it’s where I thrive, and that’s how I feel about my job and the organization I’m in and with. It’s no wonder I’ve been here for 15 years and still enjoy it.
But clearly, it doesn’t meet all my needs, or else I wouldn’t have side hustles. My side hustles and everything associated with it, like this podcast, fulfill other parts of me that I don't get at my full-time job.
But when I was first starting my side hustle seven years ago, I knew there were things I would need to do, things that I wasn't confident in, like building a personal brand, messaging, and copywriting.
So, guess what? I looked at the personal development training that Human Resources offered, so I took those courses. I took HR courses on improving your writing skills, how to build your personal brand, and communication skills training.
I also started paying closer attention to what our marketing teams do, like, what strategies they take when bringing things to market. I get an insider’s view on what the Product Marketing team does, what the Demand Gen team does, and what the social media team does – I get a front-row seat to how a Fortune 100 company does these things, and I’m constantly taking note - all the time.
So, I'm using my full-time job to learn how to do things in my side hustles, and at the same time, all the things that I learn in my side hustles are some of the questions I have in our cross-functional meetings. I ask, “Who’s the audience on that training you’re giving?” or “What’s the call to action on this campaign we’re creating?” And sometimes, people are pleasantly surprised by my questions because they're not typical questions that a program manager would ask.
So, some questions to ask are, can you find ways to incorporate into your life what you feel is lacking from your current job without leaving it? Or can you look outside your current job and find fulfillment in doing other things without sacrificing the stability your current job offers you?
In the last episode, Episode 252, and if you haven't listened to it, I highly encourage you to do so because it was such a fantastic conversation with Kaitlin Meek. Kaitlin and I talked about bringing Human Design into the workplace, and I'll get more into that in a minute, but one thing that we talked about that didn't make it into the recording was side hustling.
We talked about how there's so many people that we know, particularly in the wellness space, who have left their full-time jobs, and freed themselves of the golden handcuffs to do what they whether it be coaching or teaching like yoga teachers - whatever it is - they had full-time jobs that were “sucking their soul out of them,” so they freed themselves of the “golden handcuffs” to do what they love.
But guess what? They're also struggling because while it may sound like a dream, the reality is there's a different set of challenges that come with doing that.
So yes, theoretically, they followed their dream, but they’re also doing many other things that aren’t necessarily part of their dream – they’re their own salesperson, marketing and creative director, and customer service rep.
They need to know how to build their brand, they need to know to create offers – product development and service creation, they need to have website skills, and they need to know what their message is and how to craft and communicate it. And then there’s the whole admin side - managing revenue, expenses, taxes – I can tell you from first-hand experience it's a lot, and at the end of the day, they might be doing less of what they want to be doing.
It's a struggle, but it's a struggle that I personally enjoy because in my Human Design, I’m a 3rd Line, so I like experiencing all of it. I like trying things out - trial and error process - I enjoy all of it, but it might not be for you.
So, I’ve consciously decided to have my coaching practice and everything associated with it, including this podcast, be a side hustle rather than replacing my full-time job.
I’m in a unique situation where I have the flexibility and capability to do both. Over the years, I've learned how to manage my energy to be able to, I think, show up well at both hustles.
I may not show up equally at the same time. Still, by now, I've had enough time to experiment and find the rhythm and flow that works for me, which is in alignment with Gate 5 (I talked about this in Episode 247), of knowing and being able to predict where my energy needs to be focused and where I need to pull back on.
I also have people in my life, personally and professionally, that support me in being able to do all the things in my own due time and in my due way.
I love my work, who I work with, and my side hustles because they allow me to explore other things that my full-time job doesn’t. It’s immensely satisfying for me to do both.
So, if you're feeling the golden handcuffs, it doesn't have to be “quit to be free.” There are many options to consider, and then follow your Authority to know the correct one for you.
And suppose you haven't listened to Episode 252, my episode with Kaitlin. In that case, I highly encourage you to do so because Kaitlin shared how Human Design helped her have a better relationship with her job.
She shared that learning that she’s a Projector was key in helping her redesign her life, and as a byproduct, it reframed her relationship with her job.
It’s not that she didn't love her job, but she found ways to improve her relationship with it, to make it more enjoyable so that she could show up better for it, which benefits everyone she works with.
Learning that as a Projector, she has an undefined Sacral Center makes energy management even more critical for her and needs to be prioritized.
I loved chatting with Kaitlin because many people become aware of their Human Design, and they know their Types and Strategies, but Kaitlin took the next step to enable herself, through her design, to integrate it into her life. She did the work and made changes to incorporate more rest into her day.
How she does that is different than how I do it, which is different than how you might do it, but the point is, she did it.
And the result was that she said she’s more energetic and shows ups better at work and in life. She gets more done, she's more productive, and she has better relationships with the partners she works with and her colleagues. She's a better communicator which is essential to her job in a revenue-producing role, which is a non-traditional sales role. And this is just one thing she did, among many, but it’s been so impactful and transformative.
Projectors, we know that we need more rest than other Types. We've all seen memes on it, and we all relate because it's true; we know we need more rest. But how many of us actually put in the work and put it into practice?
Imagine how much more impact we can get by integrating more of your Human Design into your daily life because we know there's much more to your design than just your Type.
Imagine how much more impactful your design can be the more you know and learn it and the more you integrate it.
So, back to golden handcuffs. If you're feeling the golden handcuffs, you have permission; I’m giving it to you to be vulnerable. I’m permitting you to do the exercise in self-observation with non-judgment I just walked you through it so you can deeply understand why you're feeling the golden handcuffs.
What is really at the root of that feeling? What's the root of the resentment? Is it that you don’t like what you do? Is it that you don't enjoy who you work with? Is it that you feel you're not recognized or rewarded?
Or is it more a matter of I just want more? There's nothing wrong with what you do, but you want to be doing more. You want to contribute to the world in other ways that may feel more impactful to you.
You want to make a difference in a way your job cannot afford.
These are all very separate things that we can group together in our minds as being “golden handcuffed,” and they can be approached very differently.
So, give yourself the space to be vulnerable and give yourself the space to really truly understand what your passions are and where they're not being met.
Build a network of people you trust. Every quarter my company designates two days for personal development, and we have amazing speakers come and speak to us about a number of different topics.
This week, we got to hear from Michelle Obama. How cool is that? I took pages and pages of notes, and one of the things she talked about, specifically around building a network of people you trust, was having your own board of directors and building it with purpose and attention because these are the people who are your most trusted advisors. They’re the ones who will help you gain perspective and maybe see blind spots that you're not seeing.
If you have a Self-Projected or Mental Authority where your decision-making process involves talking things out, even though it doesn’t matter what the people you speak to think or say, they need to be safe and trusted people - your own personal board of directors.
Another thing Mrs. Obama said that I've been saying for years is that if you're going to make a change, ensure that you have something better lined up.
I'm a big sports fan. Those of you who have been around here for a while or who follow me on Instagram know this. As sports fans, we're often critical of our teams, right? Even though we love them and criticize them, we're the only ones who can. Fans of other teams can't criticize our team, right?
It's like our families – we can criticize our families, but if an outsider criticizes my family, I will come for you.
So, as sports fans, if something doesn't go as we hoped, we call for the general manager or coach to be fired or certain players to be traded or released.
But here's the thing – who will come in to replace them? Are they better?
Don't quit Plan A without a Plan B.
If you’re feeling the golden handcuffs, are those really golden handcuffs that are bothering you? Maybe they are, but maybe they aren't. Take the time to understand what's at the root of it.
That's all that I have for today. Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts on this. I've been side hustling now for seven, almost eight years, so these thoughts have been on my mind for a long time, and every time I think I've processed them, something comes along that makes me process them a little bit more.
I appreciate your time, attention, and, most importantly, your energy and I’ll see you right back here next time. Bye for now!
Naomi Nakamura is a Health x Human Design coach who’s creating a healthier society through aligned energy.
She blends a bespoke mix of Functional Nutrition and Human Design to help others shift into alignment to leverage and correctly manage their energy to support their body, mind, and spirit.
She believes that when we embrace our authenticity and lean into our bio-individuality, we naturally live a life of freedom, empowerment, and optimal health.
Naomi resides in the San Francisco Bay Area and can often be found exploring the area with her puppy girl, Coco Pop!
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